The relationship in therapy - what is it all about?

When people think about therapy, they often imagine a calm, reflective process where clients open up about their struggles, and therapists listen with gentle nods of reassurance.

But what if I told you therapy is more like a love story than that?

Yes, I’m talking about the messy, emotionally charged, and sometimes surprising relationship between therapist and client. It's a relationship where feelings, projections, and unconscious dynamics come into play sometimes with all the passion and drama of a romance, and at other times with a little Freudian flair (seriously, have you heard about some of the rumours around Freud’s own therapist-client relationships?).

Let’s unpack how the therapeutic relationship sometimes resembles a complicated romance, with all the twists and turns of transference, countertransference, and the all-important role of the almighty boundaries.

Transference: falling in love with the wrong person

You might be thinking, isn’t therapy about solving problems, not falling in love?

Well, kind of. But in the psychodynamic world of therapy, transference is a real thing and it’s often felt as a deep, emotional pull toward the therapist.

This attraction doesn’t come from the therapist’s charm or good looks, but from the unconscious projection of past relationships, unmet desires, or long-buried emotions. It’s as though you’re not seeing your therapist for who they truly are, but for who they represent, a parent, a partner, or someone else important… from your past.

Ever felt strangely attached to your therapist? That’s the magic (or mess) of transference. Freud described transference as a phenomenon where the client projects onto the therapist feelings and patterns from early relationships - often relating to authority figures or parental figures. Jung expanded this by seeing it as a way for the unconscious to communicate unresolved conflicts and aspects of the Self that are in need of integration. Transference, for Jung, could be viewed as an opportunity for healing and individuation (a process of becoming who you truly are) by working through these projections.

The beauty here is that transference offers a valuable therapeutic tool. If correctly observed and reflected upon It can reveal unresolved conflicts that need attention, and a skilled therapist will help you explore and work through those projections so they no longer control your emotional world.

Countertransference: when the therapist gets caught in the drama (cause we’re only human!).

But it’s not just the client who experiences transference.

Countertransference occurs when a therapist’s own feelings or unresolved issues are triggered by a client.

Suddenly, they might feel extra protective, have an overwhelming sense of empathy, or, yes, even experience attraction. This happens because the client may unknowingly evoke memories of someone significant in the therapist’s own life. Worry not - your therapist will notice this and use it for your advantage. This is also why therapists spend years in training ANd their personal therapy. What you know - can’t suddenly appear and surprise you.

Freud saw countertransference as a potential obstacle to therapeutic progress, suggesting that therapists need to keep their own unresolved conflicts in check in order to remain objective. However, Jung took a more integrative approach, recognising that countertransference, when properly acknowledged and managed, could become a valuable tool for understanding the therapeutic process and the client’s unconscious material.

While therapists are trained to recognise and manage countertransference, it can still complicate the therapeutic relationship. That’s why supervision and ongoing self-reflection are essential for therapists to ensure they don’t get lost in their own projections and can provide a safe, clear space for the client.

It’s a messy dance of emotions, but in the right therapeutic relationship, event those confusing feelings are used to deepen the work, not derail it.

Boundaries: The Key to Healthy Relationships

In any healthy relationship, boundaries are key, and therapy is no exception. Without boundaries, the emotional terrain can get murky. If a therapist and client lose sight of the clear, professional frame of therapy, things can get confusing, even damaging.

As Freud pointed out, the therapeutic relationship needs a well-defined structure to avoid undue emotional entanglements.

Boundaries are crucial for holding the space where the work can unfold safely. This structured relationship is what enables both the therapist and client to focus on the deeper issues at hand, rather than becoming lost in personal projections or emotional entanglements. Jung, too, emphasised the importance of clear boundaries in fostering a space for the emergence of the unconscious, suggesting that the containment of emotions within a therapeutic frame allows transformation and growth. What about the online space? Can this be containing as well? Yep. But it demands slightly more conscious effort from the therapist. Never hesitate to ask your therapist - how are they planning to hold the frame. Lots of therapist will deliver online sessions from the same place every week and they might encourage you to do the same.

Therapists have to constantly hold space while maintaining clear boundaries to ensure that the focus remains on the client’s needs. This means not becoming enmeshed in a personal, romantic, or overly familiar relationship with the client. At the same time, clients also have to respect the therapist’s role and the frame of therapy to allow healing to happen in a safe, structured way.

In therapy, boundaries are not about keeping people apart; they are about creating a space where clients can feel safe to explore their emotions, vulnerabilities, and deep-seated fears without distraction.

The triangular relationship in Art Therapy

In art therapy, the therapeutic relationship takes on an added dimension through the concept of a triangular relationship. This is the relationship between the client, the therapist, and the artwork itself (triangle instead of the line!).

In this model, the artwork becomes an active participant in the therapeutic process, serving as a bridge for both the client and therapist to explore deeper emotions and experiences that might be difficult to articulate with words alone. The artwork helps externalise internal experiences, making it easier for the client to observe, reflect, and connect with their feelings.

Art therapy scholars like Shaun McNiff have suggested that creative expression in therapy opens up a symbolic realm in which unconscious material can surface. The art becomes a mirror, not just reflecting the client’s inner world, but also acting as an intermediary between the conscious and unconscious. This triangular dynamic helps preserve the integrity of the therapeutic relationship by providing a third element through which complex feelings can be explored.

For example, a painting, sculpture, or drawing can embody unconscious thoughts or emotions that the client might not yet fully understand. The therapist and client then engage in a dialogue not just about the client’s inner world, but also about the meaning embedded in the creative expression. In this way, the art itself becomes a third presence in the room, offering another avenue for healing and self-discovery.

This triangular relationship can be incredibly powerful, as it facilitates a deeper exploration of complex emotions while maintaining a safe distance between the client and their own raw experiences. The therapist can help guide the client through this process, reflecting on the artwork together, allowing for a clearer understanding of the emotional material it brings up.

The real romance of therapy

The true love story in therapy isn’t about falling for the therapist but it’s about falling in love with… (cheesy stuff incoming) - yourself. Therapy is a space where clients can finally get the chance to be truly seen, to express emotions that may have been suppressed for years, and to experience unconditional support and validation.

In that space, clients can discover their worth, explore their past, and grow into the person they’ve always wanted to be. It’s about discovering how to love and care for yourself in ways you may have never thought possible.

Like any meaningful relationship, therapy won’t always feel good. Sometimes it will challenge you, make you confront things you’d rather avoid, or bring up feelings that are hard to sit with. That’s part of the work. Healing isn’t always comfortable, but real growth happens when we learn to stay with the discomfort and explore what it has to teach us.

And importantly, not every therapist will be the right fit for you. Therapy is a relationship, and just like in life, we don’t click with everyone. If a therapist doesn’t feel like the right match, it’s okay to try someone else. Finding the right therapeutic relationship can make all the difference in how transformative and safe the process feels.

Navigating the mixed terrain of therapy

Therapy is rarely as simple as just sitting on a couch and talking about feelings. It’s an intricate, emotional journey full of complicated relationships, projections, and dynamics. Understanding these concepts: transference, countertransference, boundaries, and the importance of the therapeutic relationship, can empower clients and therapists alike to engage in the work more deeply and with greater awareness.

Ultimately, the therapeutic relationship is central to the healing journey. It’s the space where all of these dynamics unfold, where clients can confront their projections, grow through their challenges, and discover themselves in a deeper way. So, while therapy might not be a romance between therapist and client, it is definitely a love story, one between you and your truest self.